


To Belong

by Xenien



Category: Angel Beats!, Clannad
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28337430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xenien/pseuds/Xenien
Summary: No one should be left alone during Christmas.
Kudos: 2





	To Belong

_Merry Christmas, Otonashi._

It was his duty to wake up his fellow roommate. Their relationship started as roommates came from a very long history of head-scratching, conflict, and eventual reunification. It goes without saying that they both were somehow glad to see familiar faces beyond the land of the punished and the dead.

Everyone else slowly fell in afterward; fate somehow bonding them all together despite the various obstacles that laid from the result of reincarnation: different names, different looks, different living places. And yet, they all found themselves within a couple of miles of each other. With all these obstacles, it was nothing short of a near-impossible chance to understand that the people they once knew simply took on another face.

Their memories of the afterlife were no longer, but each person's history had one thing in common: they retained the hardship that led them to the afterlife. There wasn't the traditional happy ending for them, but rather a harsh beginning that they had to grow out of. The final test, as God would say, to be sure that they had finally accepted or had the will to fight their regrets. He made them relive that harsh reality once again, and by the rule of law that God held, they didn't even know that they were being led straight back to the events that they wanted to forget.

God was a great being, but context matters, and if the members of the Afterlife Battlefront were to define God as a great being, it'd only describe the power he wielded. God does not act without reason, for he understands that not everyone is perfect, and not everyone can live the happy lives that he wanted them to have and desire. Everyone finds their way one way or another through his manipulation.

Noda lightly knocked on his roommate's door. Not hearing a groan or anything that resembled a reply, he twisted the doorknob and introduced himself to the room. His hand's reflex blocked the light that immediately intruded his vision, and he made his way into the room to close the blinds.

Today was a special day.

His roommate deserved some more shuteye. There was no reason for him to suffer the blinding light of the sun for such a holiday. Peace, quiet, and the dark were always an undertone Noda never really got to appreciate, but the appeal was there, and to bask himself in it was just asking for a spiral of degrading thoughts. However, when you're distracted by something else, it was one of the most blissful things you could ask for.

While he wanted to leave the man alone, the meaning of Christmas meant something entirely different to his roommate. They've gotten close to the point where they found themselves drinking one night, and his roommate finally admitted why he hated Christmas. It wasn't the people, the singers, or how cold the temperature dropped that made Christmas probably one of the worst things to celebrate, drink, and make merry. The gift-giving and appreciation for others weren't one of those reasons either. It was probably one of the things he loved about it.

Noda approached the sleeping red-headed figure. His roommate's long hair stretched beyond the top of the pillow he rested his head on, and the blankets seemed to go up every few seconds as he peacefully inhaled and exhaled. His breaths were the only audible thing, and Noda, on any other occasion, wouldn't dare to wake him up. The rules were set between roommates, and the flexibility allowed them to wake each other up for potential emergencies or situations. Any other times would just be violating the order they brought themselves to.

"Otonashi," Noda lightly spoke.

No response. As expected.

"Otonashi," he repeated, this time now putting his hand on Otonashi's shoulder and gave him a small shake. The light-sleeper slowly awoke from his slumber, signified by his body, turning around to see the source that disturbed him. Otonashi's eyes remained closed, but his brain's motors warmed up before his thought processes kicked into gear. His face eventually faced his roommate, Noda, but he couldn't see him.

"Mm...?"

"It's nine o'clock in the morning. I'm going to go out and see if there's anything enjoyable out." Noda's next choice of words was hard to put out. Not because they had a rough time getting along when they first met each other or the circumstances that kept Otonashi in bed. It was instead his inability to ask because he's never really asked anyone to do something with him.

"Care to join?"

There wasn't a point to asking, but he had heeded his other friends' words: It's always better to invite someone and let them say no even though you already know they are going to deny the invitation anyway. It made whoever was asked feel involved, included, and in some cases, part of a family even though it seemed oddly superficial. In this case, it would be Otonashi.

A small period of silence and thinking passed before Otonashi sank his face into the pillow and gave a half-assed groan into his pillow. His alone time and sleepiness were declared to take priority, and Noda knew that before he even asked the question. Frustration arose in Noda as the feeling of dissatisfaction and failure took place instead of relief. Many of the days he refused Otonashi's offer to head out and do something were coming back to bite him as he wanted to have something done and fill their day before the night arrived.

Noda wasn't your average male extrovert than his roommate, but was instead a gamer who often secluded himself in his room and let the faults of his existence drain away by taking the role of a virtual character. He had a stable job, earned a steady income, but beyond his work and sleep was just pure video games. He felt incomplete and found it to be the best way to occupy his time. There was always a market for fun, and his only spending habit would be his hardware. Despite only having a single hobby, he was a bit of a minimalist. Two consoles, one computer, and two monitors were his entertainment system. Everything you would find in your typical bedroom was what remained if you removed his setup.

Noda's somewhat minimalist lifestyle allowed his bank account to fill beyond the typical scope of a person. Spending wasn't fun for himself unless it was buying video games or food, but he had learned a thing or two from his roommate.

Giving.

He wanted to return the favor to the man who taught him that. He had bought Otonashi a gift a month before Christmas that he was waiting all this time to give to him, but the emotional oversight prevented him from giving it to him in bed. He was never good with giving gifts or giving surprises, but a video had inspired him to give the gift in bed. That plan was now in shambles as Noda looked down upon the figure that remained in bed. Thoughts went back and forth in his mind, criticizing himself for being a lousy friend, and he left Otonashi's room, defeated by his own degradation.

A few seconds pass by, and Otonashi raised his head, and his eyes opened fully, sitting himself up. He wasn't asleep, but he was awake the entire time.

It's a slow morning for him as he groggily stood up and went straight to the bathroom. Each step made it very clear that today was Christmas day, as the floor lay cold, and it only got colder with each step as the bathroom drew closer. The brightness of the room he stood in faded, and he was greeted by faded darkness as a result of light bleeding into the bathroom. In that faded darkness, he stared at the biggest mirror, and he was able to make out distinguishable features of his face, which was more than enough to highlight the groggy eyes, the poker face he had, and ultimately the sadness that wrapped his heart tight.

It was the anniversary of his sister's death. It's been merely three years, and the road to moving past it was just not there. Normal is defined by the individual, and this was normal for him. Every other occasion and every other day would've been fine but hearing anything remotely to Christmas or the month of December only brought him the disgusting ache in his chest.

He did his best to hide it, and it's worked out, but it was a hidden pain that he had to keep away for the sake of any relationship. Everyone had one or multiple of those hidden pains. Some block it out, some accept it, and some continue to suffer it. For him, this hidden pain only hurt the worst on Christmas.

No motivation, no drive, and not eating. It was unexplainable to the average human being as they are driven by the urge to survive, compared to those whose brain decided to declare that there wasn't a need to do anything. The body could send signals to the brain, and the brain would either say that you are just imagining it, or it exists, but there's really no reason to resolve or solve it.

Otonashi continued to stare at himself in the mirror for a longer period of time, and the light that bled from the other rooms only strengthened. The aforementioned darkness only grew lighter, and he began to see more of himself.

His red hair grew long all the way to his shoulders, and his facial structure seemed a bit tighter than usual. There was a small cut on his right cheek that he had no idea of its origin, but it had healed up nicely. Otonashi touched his face, and his mirror image followed suit, trailing his hand from his chin all the way to that cut. Otonashi's expression lowered, which began blocking his vision to the mirror, and he began to cup his own cheek. His face stung as the entirety of his hand cupped it, and the warmth from his face flowed to his hand.

Taking a deep breath, he slowly stopped midway. The air itself had become too cold in itself and his lungs iced for a split second. He exhaled through his mouth, and he swore through his reflection that he had seen a bit of moisture come from his mouth. The temperature drop was completely unnoticeable until then, but that's what December is. Mother nature lays a frozen waste to the land of the living to bring them closer together and discourage going out. Though many see it as the opposite, that's what his belief was.

Twisting a faucet knob, the sound of rushing water hitting the porcelain sink became apparent, and the water slowly warmed up to his desire. The water couldn't escape the sink fast enough, and the level started to rise, with little splashes of it getting onto the mirror. Otonashi sticks his hands into the warm water for a few seconds, allowing the wonders of technology to aid in unfreezing his hands before he proceeded to wash his face. Then he proceeded to get ready for a day that had no goal.

What was there to do on Christmas day?

There wasn't much to do until the end of the holidays; then his usual routine can resume work, sleeping, and drowning himself in the company of others. The pain can disappear for approximately three hundred and sixty-five days.

Laying in bed was boring, and it allowed him to do nothing except to think. The thoughts would return, and he would crush his pillow with all his might on how he continued his life like this. He felt terrible because he was in bed. He was in bed because he felt terrible. An endless loop that he had sought to get out of but one that he felt he truly deserved.

There was plenty of time to prepare himself some food from the kitchen that both he and Noda shared, but his brain told him that he had no hunger. He put on his clothes with a hoodie and pulled it over his head. The clothes he wore were cold as well, and it caused a minor shiver to go up to his spine. A hoodie, while thin, sufficed for the current conditions around his living space.

Stepping outside, Otonashi was immediately greeted by a bright light that was known as the sun, which was only partially blocked by a thin layer of clouds. The clouds slowly drifted across the ocean of a sky, and the thicker parts of the clouds took their place to bring a dull white color across the land below. Snowflakes fell at a slow rate from the clouds above but weren't overwhelming. Once the little pieces hit the ground, it gathered slowly to form a snow sheet over the ground that didn't seem more than one inch long.

The weather outside would've been sufficient evidence to encourage a time with family and friends.

Closing the door behind him, Otonashi finally gathered the courage to slip out of the hidey-hole that he called home and to just take a walk by himself. No one was there to give him orders or to convince him of anything. Being alone was a double-edged sword. There are times where you really need it, and you are surrounded by people, and there are times when you don't need to be alone, but there wasn't anyone for miles. He's seen it before and anyone that held a strict conviction that being alone was the best thing or having company around you at all times was foolish.

This was a time to embrace loneliness, despite one of the themes of Christmas, mainly getting together and appreciating those around you.

Otonashi let his legs do the wandering, taking him into unknown directions. There were still plenty of people out, and the light weather allowed for it. Some are doing their really late Christmas shopping or very light errands, some were playing in the snow, while others were on their way to their homes to celebrate the holiday.

He walked past many people, only daring to look up to look at the nearby stores or where he was. He was fully aware of where he was, and while it may have seemed to him that time itself has passed, Otonashi only walked and idled around for nearly two hours. The temperature slightly rose, but there was no sign of the familiar warmth coming from the sun anytime soon.

Eventually, he wandered inside a coffee shop to grab something to warm him up a bit. The barista greeted herself to him and took his order. She made his drink and gave the usual, "Have a Merry Christmas!" one-liner to him as she does to every customer. He drank what was supposed to be hot chocolate, and it tasted exactly what it was. Downing his drink in a timely manner, it completed its purpose of warming him up.

With plenty of time to kill, he walked the path back home.

As he walked back home from his walk, a vibration pulsed his right thigh. A vibration would indicate some notification, whether it would be work-buddies texting, something from an online community, or an email. It was relatively unimportant unless it was a full-on call. Nonetheless, Otonashi took out his phone and viewed the entry on his lock screen, which appeared to be a message from Noda. Otonashi swiped right, and his phone unlocked, allowing him to view the message.

**I came back home for a bit and saw you weren't here. I'll be helping to prepare for the party tonight at Yuri's.**

_Huh. Okay._ Otonashi thought.

_It's not like he truly cared whether or not he returned home. He's always done this every year, so why can't he take a hint and just leave me alone?_

**You should show up for once.**

_What kind of asshole reply is that?_ Otonashi growled internally. Noda's message had no tact and no thinking behind it. It was a distasteful and stupid message for him to send. Noda knew his circumstances, so the question was brought to Otonashi's mind as to why he was trying to order him. He confided in him and revealed why he hated Christmas and why events like parties were something he didn't want to join. The expectation was set upon him by his roommate, and while they are on relatively safe terms, they've had their scuffles. Otonashi was never formally invited nor did he ever receive a text, and so he operated under the assumption that he was just not invited. It was a safe thing to presume.

 _Don't tell me what to fucking do._ He growled internally once again, clicking a button on the side to shut his phone off, and stuffed his phone angrily down his pocket. Otonashi, clearly heated, was now a force to be reckoned with, and one wouldn't know that his judgment is impaired.

On his way home, the storm decided to brew up, and the snow, although still light, started multiplying as it fell from the sky. It was quite the sight to see, as the sky was no longer a dull gray-and-white color but instead was now a sheet of white as more snow fell.

The streets cleared up, and Otonashi was close to home when he saw two people walking through the snow. A tall figure with blue hair and a scarf around his neck holding the hand of what appeared to be his child. His child walked a bit ahead of him willingly, although she slowed down in order to keep up with him. She seemed weak, so it was no surprise she was wrapped in a big red jacket to keep her warm.

Otonashi felt like he shouldn't be watching, but he couldn't take their eyes off the two. The memories resurfaced like a play. Instead, it was Hatsune on his back as Otonashi walked through the streets filled with Christmas joy. The play stopped as the image of both the blue-haired man and his child continued to walk through the snow to whatever destination they both desired.

That was when she slowly fell, but not before getting caught by her father's arms.

A frown enveloped Otonashi's face as he couldn't tell if it was an accident or not, but her father slightly yelled out, and he brought his child up to his arms. The father was having a conversation with his child.

_It's probably to lecture her._

Otonashi turned back around to resume his way back to his house and continued to step away. Something on Otonashi's neck twitched when his thoughts ran back to that father and his girl. That image wasn't something he wanted to see, and he had already seen it more than once.

Then the father screamed, and Otonashi turned around quickly.

There was no way something was happening right now. Not this instant.

Otonashi watched as the father screamed some unfamiliar words and then recognized only two words as the father pleaded, looking towards the sky. The last word he couldn't make out.

"Someone...Someone save..." The pain of someone who lost something pierced the air, and Otonashi could hear him clearly.

He didn't understand what happened or why this father, who screamed and tore through the fabric of reality to ask for help, was filled with fear and defeat. Couldn't he have done something else and not bring her outside? She should have stayed home and spared her father. She probably never heeded his advice. He probably convinced her to go outside. What kind of condition was she exactly in?

This father was about to lose something.

That was when Otonashi started walking towards them and slowly increased his pace. There wasn't any time for argument, for heated debates, for his personal feelings to get in the way.

He was needed. That father needed someone right now. His daughter needed someone right now.

No one deserved the pain of loss on Christmas.

Then he ran to them.

* * *

The father of the young girl thanked Otonashi for coming when he asked for anyone. When the girl collapsed, Otonashi immediately took action and, using his knowledge, brought her to a warm place, and eventually got her transport to the nearest hospital.

Other than the condition he saw her in, Otonashi was never updated on her vitals. The father had simply asked for Otonashi's name and sat down in the hospital lobby, unmoving.

Otonashi couldn't have done anything else, so he left the man. Loneliness seemed to be a better alternative for the father, as Otonashi did not have any connection to him. While his instincts screamed for Otonashi to remain with the father, he could only ask if the father was okay. The father didn't reply directly to the question but instead asked something else.

"Your name...what is it?"

He could only reply with what was asked of him, and the father could only tell him to have a good Christmas.

He nodded in response and took it as a signal to leave, but not before walking up to the father and conducting an unusual gesture: kneeling in front of him, fully bowing his head down. He held it for a few seconds before he raised his head and stood up, with both of them now eye-to-eye. The father had blue eyes, but what was truly in those eyes was a father who had lost everything.

These two men were very similar people, and they could only recognize their similarities. Otonashi left, and upon seeing the outside world, he realized it had darkened tremendously. He proceeded to walk home, but his thoughts went back to the young girl and father.

The one thing that father had that could only be shown and not said was sympathy, something even Otonashi couldn't understand. As he walked through the plains of snow, the sympathy of a father continued to ring through his mind. Then it clicked.

Everything that was done for Otonashi by his roommate and by the people he knew was not done out of their ignorance or selfishness. Noda had gone through the effort of waking him up and texting him in the manner he did was not because he was sick of him being inside the house every Christmas or because they had some rough times as roommates.

He did it because he cared. The man, who acted like a hardass, showed sympathy to Otonashi without even him realizing it. With the streets empty and the night officially started, he looked at the house in front of him, which wasn't his original destination. This wasn't his house nor his front porch. The lights were placed incorrectly as they were all over the windows, the railings, and the door. Christmas decorations littered the door and the floor as well.

His place did not have lights or decorations.

He found himself outside the house of Yuri.

_..._

He was suddenly at the front porch knocking on the door.

"Ugh, if that is more deliveries, we've already filled the god damn table. Anymo-" The door opened, and a blast of warmth immediately hit Otonashi as the person in front of him shifted uncomfortably as she took a step back. An awkward silence was between them as they both breathed, unable to take in the fact that they finally saw each other after a long time.

The silence felt like a long time, but Otonashi broke the ice first.

"Not really sure how long..."

"Three years," Yuri tightened both her face and her fist in frustration. Taking a quick step forward, she wasted no time hitting him square on the chest before taking a step back. While she hit him, Otonashi quickly replied against her by trying to swat her hand away.

"Okay. Fair point."

"So. You're not dead?" She questioned him. While it was more of a rhetorical question, it could have been taken in as a literal one too.

"And a happy new year!"

"..."

"..."

"Well. I'm not going to hug first."

 _Typical._ While it was her typical behavior to be such a stuck-up brat, one of the things he failed to realize at that moment was that the ache in his heart began to slowly fade away.

"Nor am I," he replied back at her. They started away from each other, both holding up their respective ends of this childish battle. It was the waiting game and a battle between two significant figures of a loyalist and a rebel. Their eyes, already drawn away from each other due to their little argument, now slowly rested on each other as they slowly smiled.

They walked forward and wrapped their arms around each other, none of them wanting to let go. Otonashi had never felt the warmth of a hug in so long, nonetheless from someone he had a small history with. Her smell and her warmth were some of the most comforting things that he's felt in a while. The power of human hugs couldn't be any stronger, and he was under its spell after being trapped for so long.

_Human beings really are warm._

He hugged her tighter, and his face tightened as well, and Yuri began to laugh as they began to slowly dance as none of them could stay still.

"Hinata-kun! Guess whose coming for dinner!" Both of them let each other go as the aforementioned person appeared from the back of a long hallway behind Yuri. Another blue-haired man he recognized as Hinata came forward.

"Woah...You're not dead then?"

"Done that," Yuri remarked, and Hinata nodded in confirmation.

"We're about to have Christmas dinner. Joining us?"

"Us?" Otonashi asked through his implication.

"The rest of the gang. Takamatsu, Ooyama, Shiina, Iwasawa, everyone. Don't tell me you forgot already?" Yuri sounded mildly annoyed.

"Hahaha, never. But...if it's no trouble."

"No worries. We have a place set for you," Hinata gave him a thumbs up. To Otonashi, mild confusion hit his brain. It was impossible for him to have a place set for such a big group if they didn't know he was coming.

"But you didn't know I was coming, how could yo-"

"Oh, because we always do."

"..." Otonashi could only stare forward as the words of Yuri echoed through his mind.

"It's Christmas, you idiot," Yuri winked at Otonashi before walking back down the hallway, presumably back to the kitchen. Otonashi's face lowered as he watched her walk away.

"Come on, man." Hinata motioned with his head to follow him as he presumably went back with Yuri to continue setting up for whatever party they have going on.

Of the three years that Otonashi never appeared once for Christmas dinner, Yuri had the audacity to tell him that they had always set him a place no matter whether or not he was going to show up. His breathing slowly became labored as Otonashi took his first careful step inside the house of Yuri Nakamura. With his hand on the handle, he was about to close the door behind him before he stopped himself. He now took a look outside as he couldn't bear his face to be seen by anyone.

The connection formed, and he realized that despite his inability and cowardice to show his face, they all cared for him. He sees many of them throughout the year, but with his past, he swore to no longer bother with them and gradually began to disappear. However, each of them gave him something with one thing unifying about it.

Happiness.

The spirit of Christmas to giving and appreciating others, and there they were, not within his sight but still gave him the happiness that he thought he wouldn't have deserved. Each of his friends, while unknown to them, taught him valuable lessons that were too much to describe.

A tear slowly dropped out of Otonashi's eye and his hand slowly went up to it. He wiped away his tear but proceeded to look at the hand that he used to wipe it away. Otonashi could only stare at his hand as all the smiles that he previously showed now held a deeper meaning with him that he'll forever cherish.

He raised his head and took one final look at the sky, and a feeling of relief washed over him. His hand tightened lightly into a fist, and he placed it over his heart and another tear proceeded to trail down his face.

Otonashi had a place where he finally belonged, and he closed the door, finally sealing what he had wanted and needed for so long.


End file.
